How To Ask For What You Want In Bed?
Communication is the key to a great relationship, and that extends to what goes on between the sheets as well. Communicating your sexual desires to your partner may seem a little awkward, especially if the relationship is still young. But it is something that needs to be done, unless of course, if you are okay with an unsatisfying, boring, and lacklustre physical relationship.
So how exactly do you do that? How do you tell your partner what you want in bed, communicate your deepest desires, maybe even tell them what you don’t like without offending them? Well, for starters, you’ve come to the right place. Here is a list of actionable tips curated by our experts to help you ask for what you want in bed; and GET IT.
1. Don’t Be Demotivated By Discomfort And Awkwardness
You’d be surprised to know just how many people have gone through years of unsatisfying sex, just because they were unwilling to broach the subject with their partner due to ‘discomfort’. So first things first, you need to get a little comfortable with getting a little uncomfortable. Remember that a few moments of awkwardness could create a lifetime of enhanced sexual pleasure.
Besides, if your partner told you there were things you could do that would absolutely blow their mind, wouldn’t you want to do it? Wouldn’t you want to try sex vibrators or the latest Indian sex toys if your partner told you they’d love it? You would, right? Most probably, your partner feels exactly the same way. So the hesitation is not doing any good to either of you.
2. Don’t Make It Sound Like A Criticism
Sometimes, when we're trying to convey what we want, we often mix it up with what we don’t want and focus on that. You can very easily say stuff like, “You're not doing it right!”, “you always do this,” “you never do this.” etc.
Avoid such phrases at all costs. A playful suggestion is hot; sharp criticism is not.
Start from a place of praise. Try something like - 'I really like it when you do this, this, and this. But you know what I'd like even more?'"
Try a compliment sandwich: talk about something great that they do, make a suggestion, talk about something else you like. The end goal is to have an honest and open dialogue about your sex life, and not a performance appraisal.
3. Choose The Tone And Time Wisely
How your partner responds to you largely depends on when and how you talk to them about it.
You may want to avoid having the conversation right after sex, as your partner may feel a little vulnerable at that time and mistake it for a criticism. Try bringing it up organically, and not as a huge announcement that could make them feel as if they are under attack. Be kind, but firm.
If you want to suggest a change of pace or a new position, then asking during the act is perfectly fine. However, if you’re about to spring something totally new on your partner, like trying a panty vibrator, then mid-deed may not be the best time to do so. You’d be better off talking about it when you are both clothed. You can approach the subject at dinner, on a date, or maybe while you’re out on a walk. Just make sure that you give your partner the space and environment they would need to understand and respond to your request without feeling pressured.
4. Try Sexting
Starting a conversation about sex may be a little unnerving for some people. But once you get used to it, it gets a lot easier and all conversations about sex become more fulfilling and useful.
In the meanwhile, if you are still in doubt, you can experiment with sexting. You can subtly weave in some things you’d like to try and say how you like to be touched in the conversation. This would help you get your point across and also turn your partner on in the process. If sexting isn’t your cup of tea either, try to incorporate the sex talk into your pre-sex build up.
5. It Doesn’t Have To Come Out Perfect
So you now have some handy tips to have the talk with your partner. And you have the whole conversation planned out in your head. All sorted, right? Well, chances are that it won’t happen the way you envisioned it. But guess what, that’s fine!
Sex is never the easiest thing to talk about, even if it’s with someone you trust and are comfortable with. It’s very easy to get nervous, shy, and even embarrassed when you discuss your needs with your partner, despite having the whole thing planned out. But these feelings are absolutely normal. So if you're nervous, then just say so. It’s okay if it doesn’t come out perfectly or sounds silly. Actually, imperfection is often endearing. And if it sounds a little silly, then so be it! Bringing some humour into sex only makes it that much more fun.
Your pleasure is 100% your responsibility, so you have to be proactive about it. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. So if you’d like them to go faster or slower, try new positions, use a sex toy or whatever else, you’ll have to speak up and tell them.
Remember, if you want something to change, then you will have to ask first. We hope that the tips laid out in this article will help you do that successfully.